Unconventional Wisdom

Do you choose intimacy and relationships, or career and work? I chose to addres this topic because it has been one of the most frequently asked questions I have heard in all my years of teaching, personal training and advising others – how can we bridge these two major segments of our life that seem to be almost antagonistic?

Very often our aspirations for our professional life and career seem to push out the possibility to be truly happy and fulfilled in our intimate relationships. And on the other hand, when we choose to pay attention to cultivate intimacy and happiness in the relationship, it seems like we basically need to sacrifice our career, at least to a certain degree. One of the two, but often both, are sacrificed as time passes, without us really noticing.

The problem, in fact, begins in our consciousness that creates this disparity between success in the workplace and happiness in the couple relationship. The former is designed so that it almost opposes happiness by definition; it is serious and efficient, and we behave in a corresponding way. In intimacy though, we’re not looking for “efficiency” – we cannot judge a relationship on the same criteria.

The Intensifying Factor

As well as the above, in recent times we have a new intensifying factor: the work space and the intimacy space start to mingle as many people get more and more used to working from home – the ‘couple-space’ got invaded.

When the ‘office’ is in the living room, there is only a wall or door between the office and the bedroom where we have our most intimate experiences. How can we deal with the idea that in order to act professionally we need to separate the office and work attitude from the home and relationship attitude? Can we just make the switch as we cross over the threshold in between the two? It seems that we cannot.

This close proximity very much intensifies the inner conflict between intimacy and career, speeding up the process of degeneration of relationships. A sad fact is that usually, by the time we have figured out that something is going wrong in our relationship, it’s already very late.

 Things in common

Another major challenge faced by many couples is that, in time, the two lovers often discover that they don’t have common ideal to aim towards. This generates a feeling of ‘growing apart’. And while intimacy at home is fading, each one seeks more satisfaction and success in their work and career. A form of fulfilment migrates from the bedroom into the workplace.

Statistically, it is not uncommon that some people then also find comfort in the arms of colleagues from work; another person who shares corresponding values, ideals and experiences, not only a bed and the administrative details of life. Actually, we all want a person with whom we can naturally share our aspirations and daily concerns.

 Daring to cut this Gordian knot

A wise ancient statement says the following:

The one who is full of fears in the bedroom, will live a life full of fears too. To put it simply, he or she will have a poor, dull life. On the other hand, if one is extremely creative in intimacy, daring and aiming enthusiastically to experience intensity in pleasure, multiple orgasms, ecstatic happiness – because he or she just heard it is possible – this person will be a force of nature also when they will be involved in a work-related project. And from this perspective, it appears that work and intimacy are quite intimately related!

It is important to also understand the following principle that puts our world in motion: Our consciousness needs some challenges, some goals to pursue, otherwise we become flat. We lose interest. And this is valid for everything. 

In our careers we usually think about a future, we have plans for where we’ll be next year, in 5 years, 10 years! The best is yet to come. In the relationships, we have a past, beautiful memories that touch our heart. The best was in the beginning. And this is a big problem. Which of the two do you think will prevail? Of course, unconsciously, we tend to follow the easier option – putting more energy into work and subsequently ticking the check-box of the relationship, considering it is already ‘done’, accomplished, because we ‘have’ it already.

Many years ago I found a statement in an ancient text that, at that time, transformed my life completely:

It is quite easy to notice that in the beginning of something that is good for us and that makes us happy, everything is so amazing and uplifting, but after a while, it starts to decrease in intensity. According to the Tantric teachings – this process can be turned around. We can remain in this fresh and reinvigorating energy of the beginning if we know how to revive it.

 The ‘Ending scheme’

The ‘ending scheme’ or the ‘finishing scheme’ that we learn in intimacy is another behaviour that dramatically jeopardises our relationships. We learn that climax in love-making – especially for men – is the death of pleasure, and this idea becomes embedded in our psychology and physiology. We learn that we go ‘up’ to excitement, to extraordinary intense pleasure and then explosion and climax happen at the same time.

These two seem to be fused together somewhere in the nervous system. And then, the so-called refractory stage follows, where erection disappears (in the case of men) and appetite and desire are lost completely. At this point, the guy usually turns around and starts snoring. A woman’s physiology is slightly different; she has a much more accessible possibility to turn climax into repeated climax and multiple orgasms. But, it takes two to tango.

So, most people experience climax as ‘the end’ in intimacy, and they remain trapped in this pattern, behaving in the same way also in the rest of their lives. In some situations they stay cool, avoiding the ‘climax’ completely, and in others they reach a peak of interest and excitement in a project and then quickly lose heart for it.

We need to rewire our attention and the way we engage in all our experiences to be able to experience intense peaks of pleasure and happiness repeatedly, without exhaustion.

 A call to literacy in intimacy

Remember the statement, “The way you manifest in intimacy is the way you are in life”? It is so important to relearn how to be intimate with our lover because, interestingly, it is also the way in which we can relearn to be intimate with life itself. With this, you will never again have moments of peak enthusiasm, pleasure and happiness about something (or someone), only to lose interest soon after.

You will always find new horizons opening up right in front of your eyes after each peak, because the heavy curtain of unconsciousness will never again fall and cover your eyes after the climactic moments in and out of the bedroom.

Now is the perfect time to take your relationship out of the ‘done’ folder and to discover the next wonderful goal to pursue within it. Show an active interest to make your lover happier and more fulfilled. Dare to engage your resources for even more amazing experiences because there is no limit! Learn to ride the ascending cascade of climaxes in lovemaking without collapsing the energies. Learn to expand your consciousness. Learn to keep your beginnings vibrant, fresh and brilliant.